The English Patient & the way we were....

I love sad love stories, especially those with tragic endings. The very fact that the love is so short, so abrupt and so tragic some how makes it more special than other boring, staid and mushy ones often depicted on movies. I feel compelled to write this piece because my best friends ( you know who you are !) do not see why the English Patient is the most compelling love story there was, set against a vast war-torn barrenness.

The English Patient
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"In memory, love lives on forever". How true.
They both fell in love in the dessert, he a wanderer who had no allegiance to anyone or anything. She, a married woman, married to the right guy who could gave her everything that a husband could give except passion. To me, Ralph Fiennes and Kirstin Scott Thomas played the characters really well, displaying bottled passion, anguished torment, sanely restraint and the final doomed acceptance beautifully. I find it beautiful that they did not utter love or undying promises or ask anything of the other. They both knew, they both understood, and they both accepted the final deathly price. Both of them died very tragically, but not before he walked in the dessert and betrayed everyone so that he could save the life of the woman he loved. I cried when Almasy said aloud "my wife is dying", validating Katherine's place in his life. At that point, it was clear that it was not just a woman dying in the dessert. His wife was dying, and along with her, his life too. To me, that was a very beautifully scripted moment that a man was willing to sell everything to fight for a chance to keep someone alive.

I loved every slow moment of this rich movie. The beauty of the dessert and post-war wreckage, the richness of human exploration, the suffering, the war-torn human lives and the much lingering human emotions that lingered after everything has been lost. Perhaps if he had a different name, she would have survived as suggested in the movie. But we dont really know
from the Booker Prize-winning book.

I have heard a lot of criticisms about this movie. It is definitely not a movie for the pro-family, religious and righteous people. It was just lust, perhaps but I thought the most valid objection was that it was a very selfish love. That both Almasy and Katherine loved dangerously without thinking about the consequences for others around them. Yes, they did that and for that, they had a tragic ending. To me, it is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all. In the end, Almasy had nothing, no face, no name and only memory......


The Way We Were
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This is another love story that had me crying copiously. I hated Robert Redford character in the show and I could not find myself sympathizing with Barbara Streisand's character either. They both did not die in the movie but they both separated eventually despite loving the other person very much. I think this movie only works in the hippy seventies where personal expression and beliefs triumphed over love haha... Robert Redford was so good looking then. As much as one could be outraged at him being with another passionless woman in the end, one could understand his decision. As much as he was attracted by her zest, passion and zeal in life, he wanted a different life. She fought and won for what she believe in, but lost the man she wanted. So they are not compatible together. As simple as that. And the song sung by Barbara really tugged at my heart, perhaps because I could emphatise with their decisions. Some times, in life, what one wants may not be what one could live with. And that is just as simple as it was, the way things were..

I cant sleep at night

Through much of September and October 2008, I found myself having very little sleep, staying up till 2am, and waking up at 4am, 5ams, checking FX rates. Now, with fewer than 30 mio NOP to go, I am finding myself having trouble falling asleep as I did so little in the daytime such that I end up so mentally alert at night. I suppose I just need to get used to a new routine in life at this junction, and perhaps for the first time in many months, confront myself that I have very little going on in my life except for my career that is almost at a dead end at the moment. But it is good as it means that life could take a different turn for me.

I want to go out and do more "physical" things. And connect with people who are worth connecting with..... some voluntary work perhaps.

Pole dance routine.... Sway by PCD

When I first started pole dancing about 4 months ago, and I saw this Sway routine, I was completely wowed, and although I can't do it as nicely as my instructor, I am very gratified that I am more than 50% there. Despite much bruises, shoulder strains, and bruised ego, I am glad that I had something exotic like this to take my mind off work in recent weeks. Its requires a lot of physical and mental strength, dancing timing, and sense of playfulness too....

I actually quite like dancing although I am not very good at bodily coordination. I like to hear the beat of the rhythm, and moving to the beat, and letting the dance energy flow. I am beginning to discover the energy of music and dance beats, and the beauty of the physical body taking in this inner energy. Its pretty sensual and sensuous, and I feel that I am in sync with the flow, I could be in the zone one day.... but first I must get there.

Pole positions

I am ecstatic! Finally I did this move. A "push-out-and-up" while inverted on the pole. It looks like a body wave on the pole. Damn cool! Several months ago, I look at someone who did this and I was in awe. And today, I did the first one... Yay! I have also learnt how to climb up a pole. Man, it is damn cool.
This is called progress and self satisfaction! And the only thing that is keeping me same for the last few weeks :-)

Life since Oct08 and the experience that money could not buy....

I find it hard to pen down my exact emotions and thoughts now that the markets are turning up on the US Election Day. Being killed by the markets metaphorically speaking is a quick painful stab, that is somewhat easier to absorb than being killed slowly by the toxicity of sub-standard human beings that are all around. All the lies, CYA (cover your ass) statements and the things that people do in order to protect themselves really disgust me to the core, and I have to hold back my internal vomit as not to choke myself at times. There is still this subterranean anger in me that is slowly emanating its way out through my core, that I need to control so that I do not lash out uncontrollably.

I am glad I searched painfully for my thoughts, my guts and my heart in such turbulent times and I believe that I did my best to fight for what I believe in. I wished I could have done more. People asked me why I went beyond being professional, and my answer is that some good people deserve more in life, some deserving people makes you perform better in life and I could not have stood by and not do anything to save something that I felt was worth saving. Extraordinary times are not the time to follow standard procedural rules and to cover your asses. I do not believe in following outdated rules in extraordinary times. Else, the best of human potential and human endeavour will always be machine-like. The rules that are designed for normal times are not suitable for extraordinary times! It is up to the human to respond, challenge and chart a way. There is no right way, just your way or my way. And I chose my way...... I have chosen. It is done.

I believe in the beauty of the human heart, which is the grace and doom of being a human. It is what sets us apart from the machines and from rule followers. I have no respect for people who live other people rules in life. I don't believe in making the safe decisions. I may not be the strongest, most willful, most strategic person but I believe that the truth speaks for itself, and that if I am really true, people would know and feel my real intentions. If I am wrong, it would be because my heart fails me, and so be it that I am wrong. Its okay to take the risk to be wrong as that is part and parcel of being human. When the push come to the shove, I follow my heart, that is my algorithm. I want to have the courage to follow my heart, where ever it leads me. That is my destiny.

As much as I have been seen the futility of money being found, fought and lost, I still respect money as a tool to unmask the thick veneer of the human facade. It is in bad times that good things could be unmasked. Good things like courage, loyalty, perseverance, kindness and understanding. In Oct2008, I learnt and experienced all these, and I witness the wealth and poverty of different human characters. And I found and reaffirmed what I believe in life.