30 July 1939

My dad would have been 69 years old today... 3 years ago in July 2005, he was diagnosed with lymphoma, and he passed away within 6 months. Until some time in late Sept, we thought he was going to make it and that the radiation therapy was going to work. And even in late November, I thought I was going ahead with my Dec vacation trip to Whistler and that we still had time.....

The beauty in life lies in the fact that in an apathetic and agnostic framework, there is no one to thank for being alive, and in death, there is no one to blame as well. I miss him in my heart and inevitably I find every meaningful occasion like my birthday, his birthday, his death anniversary (?) to remember him. My heart grieves at the permanency of such a loss, and the knowledge that a parental love like this is gone forever. And that life goes on without it somehow....

In many sense, I am luckier than many kids who had to fight for the attention of the parents, to fulfil the expectations of their parents had in order to obtain acceptance from their parents. My dad loved me very unconditionally (although he disagreed with many of my impetuous and left-wing views of the world) and we used to have a good time debating politics, foreign policies and military history. He loved to tell me stories from the WW2 and I know he admired Churchil and Abraham Lincoln. When I was studying in Spore and UK, I used to write letters to him the old fashioned way in the days of pre-email, telling him about the places that I have travelled to and the many experiences and observations that I had. He was a very simple man, who lived humbly and simply without many wants and needs. He was a good and honorable man, who lived life in quiet dignity. He loved reading, eating and travelling until illness struck him and he battled various diseases since his mid forties. Ha, I always thought that he was too risk-averse and conservative but I guess I did not see that he was not a man in his prime years. Although he was set in his own ways, I loved him for his unwavering discipline, stoicism and the fact that he never gave up although things were tough. He was my inspiration when I was running the full marathon in Dec 2005, just one week before he passed away ( I gave him the medal when he was in a wheelchair in Pantai Hospital and I can still remember vividly how proud and excited he was when he described how difficult it was to run a marathon, I was pleasantly surprised he knew the Greek history of the Battle of Marathon).

I accepted his death very calmly on that fateful Dec morning. I just thought that I could not give up no matter how painful things are in life, because my dad never gave up until the time was up.

What I Believe In

I realised that a lot of things are very SIMPLE in life, and things become simple once we know what we believe in:

I believe in the following (maybe there are more, but I have not consciously thought of them yet) :

1) Every person should have a chance to pursue happiness and self actualisation, and not to be denied opportunity to develop their human potential. So, political, religious and emotional coercion/oppression are big no-nos to me. I know this maybe too idealized but human rights are important. Human beings should not be enslaved unwillingly but if the people choose slavery willingly, then we have to respect the human choice.

2) A person is defined by his/her knowledge, thoughts, decision making and actions which could be either emotionally or logically driven or both... One does not have to be consistent or logical or intelligent. I think it is important to be genuine, authentic and true. So it is better to be a random drifter than to be a systematic fake or hypocrite. It is also important not to be afraid of what you are.

3) It is important to fight for something that you believe in, for the people that you love or the uncompromisable principles that you believe although you risk losing money, face, position and reputation... I respect people who could stand up for what they believe in and not to cower under pressure. This takes guts.

4) I think money is great that it can buy so many things such as material goods, opportunity, comfort and convenience. But money could never buy humour, wit, wisdom, perspective, idleness, beauty and time.

5) Trying your best and not to give up in the things that matter.

6) Not be serious with things that do not matter.

7) Things that matter to me are physical fitness, opportunity to see the beauty of the natural world, friends and family that know you and would stick by you, and lastly the beautiful and inspiring feelings of love and passion.

What is love ?
An ability to nurture and to accept oneself and others for being what they are. Love is a quiet nurturing energy that permeates through the heart, that is well grounded by goodwill and a willingness to open your heart to new discoveries . Love is a sweet touching emotion that makes you wanna hug it to sleep, that leaves a gentle smile on your face when you wake up. Love is endothermic.

What is passion ?
The burning energy that drives your pulse, that makes you truly feel alive ( I feel this when I ski!). It is the certain compulsive need to do something in order to either expiate personal pain or to push oneself to the limit of personal discovery. Passion connects, liberates, and releases one's energy to fuse with the energy of the world. Passion is exothermic.

Its Too MUCH

I am not sure what is the real underlying emotion beneath my "sian"-ness.
Anger? Outrage? Disgust?

Recent events in Msia, Singapore and the US makes me feel that the world is such an unaccountable place. It is really too much, and I just need to get my anger out. Else it would slowly morph into a self-decaying degenerative sianness in my soul.

Msia : This case of Najib and Anwar's is just getting too far. One is accused of being a sodomiser, the other an adulterer and murderer. Muslim country. Fantastic. No other country can beat this. There is no police, rule of law, no justice and no good man..... no one is in charge or has a control of events. I think most Malaysians are relatively tolerant, but this is getting a little too far. All because of so much hypocrisy about sex. Anwar should just come to say that he is impotent to clean himself out.... where is the simple joy in a world where one is constantly having to worry about being accused of sexual misconduct, and there are much socially-laden mores heaped onto a simple supposedly enjoyable act? So what if Anwar really had anal sex and Najib and Razak Baginda had sex with the Mongolian woman? What is the big political deal? Does a girl have to get bombed in order to be silenced? I really hate all this hypocrisy about leaders having to be being a morally good and sexless. It is too much to expect leaders to be saintly and sexless....hmnn, capable ambitious men do not climb political ladders in order to enjoy non sexual perks, that is not how animal kingdom works! It is too much to expect nature to so moral.

Spore : Just like it is too much to expect real CHARITY. Naive people donates to the large pockets of moral scums who rob in the name of religion and charity. Fake beggars in Geylang. Ho Yeow Sun who sang her way to a non-pastoral limelight. So much for CORPORATE governance in charity organisations. I mean, if the government is not even charitable, how does one expect real charitable organisations to flourish here? I really think naive good intention-ed man/woman on the street who are simply too lazy to think and question the way things are and think they can buy a lot of conscience by donating to charitable duds are as guilty in perpetuating this whole charade of hypocritical goodness as the smart venerable dirty scumbags who arbitrage all the moral goodness in the system. Just like you cant fault a arbitrager in the market, you cannot really fault social arbitrager and scumbags like them who really rob in the name of goodness. It is really too good to resist.

US : If there is anything that I learnt in recent times, RISK MANAGEMENT is a myth. No one knows how to manage risks properly. You can be aware of risks but to manage risks? If I am a risk manager in any big US bank, I would just commit professional harakiri. It is all a charade, no one in senior management really know anything about real product and real markets actually. That is the real problem with the corporate world - it is all a front. Corporates are just too big to fail.

It just occurred to me that in a large system that actually has no real rules, I am just a net option seller and a net casualty when the system implodes. The ordinary man and woman on the streets are the real final losers in the corrupt organisations that exist out there. When leaders fail, we ordinary people pay the price of systematic organisational failure. It deeply embarrasses me that I am a Msian who is working overseas, and I can't stand my own country ! I am just a rootless person who works in an artificially propped up else bankrupt global bank, in a country like Spore where the government clearly also does not understand risk management and where even charitable organisations steal from normal people. Utterly fantastic..

I guess if I am just sian, I am coping really well with all these crazy happenings in the world. Hopefully I feel slighlty better after this, although I feel that it is just wrong not to SPEAK UP to such stupid things in the world. How to take such things without going crazy ? It really gets to me at times, although I know I should not. But at some point, it is just too much to brush off and I feel that if I keep on being silent, I am just endorsing all these hypocrisy.

Nadal, Lance Armstrong, Angeline Jolie, Jet Li, Keanu Reeves

This is going to be the most frivolous blog I write on...I warn you...

I think the beauty of being a human being is that we are capable of inspiration, of drawing delightful inspiring energy from the human beings that we see (on TV ).... and of daydreaming in the unachievable impossibility. I think this is one of the major feature that distinguish humans from animals. Humans are capable of daydreaming... These are few extra-ordinary beings that fill my imaginations :-)


NADAL - The king of clay
Man, this guys is amazing. I admire, salute and am totally in awe of his fighting spirit. He is one person who is persistent, does not give up even it is 40-0 on a set point, and when he wins, he displays such beautiful happiness that is so real, unaffected and joyous. He is my inspiration, and I love him for being a real fighter who does not give up, and totally unpretentious at trying to appear cool. All the grunts are so endearing. He is one person who is not afraid of giving it all, and letting the world see it!

LANCE ARMSTRONG - A real survivor who calculates everything
I feel for Nadal and I think if I meet Nadal in person, I would like him as a person, but not Lance. Lance is not human. To me, this guy is a machine. The way he rides Tour De France is unbelievable. And I respect him for the way he knows himself and his rivals, and the arrogance that he displays in calculating every move, even to the extent that he counts his calorie to manage his body weight. I respect his achievement, I read his book Its Not All About The Bike, and it is truly amazing how he recovered from cancer. I think that is an amazing story. I thought it is super ironic that the one of the greatest modern athlete had a dead testicle, and that he had to super freeze his sperm. This guy recovered from cancer! A real fighter. So what if he is a serial non committal man who ditches his wife, Sheryl Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer, and now cavorting with various women? This is the super prime alpha male. Give him a break, he deserves various women. In the animal kingdom, Lance would have a harem. Even I don't mind having him as a sperm donor too... but oh I must say, I don't think I like him as a person. Zero iota of humility but even then I recognise good genes like this should not be wasted, but God is just too cruel here. Testicular cancer !! What future is there for man-kind ?


Angelina Jolie -- For her, I can be a lesbian
She is 2 months younger than me, and yet she has a whole world more than me in terms of personal achievement, fame, wealth, looks, love, sex etc.. okay, maybe minus an Oxford degree and a free scholarship. Yeah, she is not exactly beautiful, but her body is totally animalistic, lithe and supercharged with sexuality. She stands out like a lioness in a den of catty women. She never went to university, started life poor being abandoned by a father, had 2 failed marriages, was not afraid to be one of the first few Hollywood glitterati to be uber-cool to adopt children from other races. She is raw, authentic and does not care about the world. Not that I think the world of Brad Pitt, but man, she has the most gorgeous man by her, and she does not even care about being married to the most good looking guy ( not that he is in my eyes... haha). I would love to see how she grows old. To me, she is super sexy, and I think she is larger than life..

Jet Li -- I love the way he moves
The only chinese in this list, and I just love the way he moves and his facial expression. Of course he is a good kungfu actor, but he has a physical presence that is very beautiful. I don't think he is that good looking. Or at least, not in the altar league of Keanu Reeves :-)


Keanu Reeves --
Most good looking! What else can I say? Speed and Matrix I. He is the One. Would always be The One. Period. There is only one Keanu for me in the teenage years. Haha... Even as he disappears into obscurity in recent years, he will always remain in my heart. Such a good looking face and beantiful physique. A guy that looks perfect in a wet suit (Point Break) will look good in anything.


Oh I forgot, Paolo Maldini and Roberto Baggio comes close in being inspiring in the way they move on the pitch too. Viva Italia - the soccer team that inspires my eternal allegiance and passion! :-)

To show or not to show

At this stage, I have not decided or invited any friends to read this blog.

It feels kinda scary. And an amusing thought comes to me. Is it more SCARY to show blog writings like this or to strip naked physically, in a Japanese onsen? Hmmnnn.. I can't answer. I guess if I am really comfortable with my thoughts, emotions and my body, both choices are equally fine. I guess I can do it if I have to but I probably would not do it voluntarily ha...... Blog virginity is probably quite prized in a world of mindless cyber orgy out there :-).

Hey Stranger

Hmmnn... It just dawned upon me that I have lost the art of letter writing in the modern electronic age. Where one is unable to erase lines once one has committed to what has been writen in ink. It is like life, a painting that has no eraser.

If the usual people that I know read this blog, would they ever know who EVE is ? I think the "written" me is so different from the "talking" me. And it really has been a while that I communicated to others in words.... I think at times I am just a vast juxtaposition of changing hormones, and there is really no real me besides a body, a set of thoughts and a set of decisions on how I choose to react to different things in life. I think I am just the amalgamation of the things that I think, say and do, that is driven by mostly by what I think is the "true" me, but I know myself and my body enough that the true me is very hormonal, ah ha ha ha ha. Quixotic indeed!

Moving on from previous posts....

Here I am, many months from the previous blog. I must admit that it is scary to read my own previous blogs!! All the anger, non-direction and disenchantment with life are thankfully a zillion emotional miles away..... But then, I am feeling a little disorientated, as if I am suddenly passionless and angst less, and I am not entirely sure how I should write the next words...

I always wonder why I go back to this blog, and it just dawned upon me that I am writing for the future me many months later. Sounds like I am wishing that I am Hiro Nakamura in Heroes haha.. There is a reason that I write here instead of the diary. I realise that I am writing a future present for my future self, and I am actually very open to sharing my blog with my some friends.

I remember I started off 2008 with the intention of removing anger from my life, and I must say that apart from several incidences of extreme irritation at workplace, I am finding myself a much mellowed person. So much so that I am beginning to doubt if this is a good thing for myself although I believe it is a generally good phenomenon. I suppose I draw a lot of comfort that I am still a very angry driver on Singaporean roads, so some parts of the old me still would never go away....


Reading back my previous entries, I am struggling somewhat to feel the same degree of hopelessness in life. In all honesty, I don't feel that life is as random and meaningless as I found it 3 years ago. What has changed since then? Have I given up hope on hopelessness? I don't know, but perhaps it is the realisation in recent months that there is some kind of gentle beauty in human existence. Perhaps I see that there is something out there that I have not noticed before although I probably do not think that it is as prosaic as I made it out to be.... and I believe that there are a lot of things that I do not know and appreciate, and perhaps then it makes complete sense that I should be more inspired and amused by things that I do not know ( but will know in future ). What I have known so far in my life is not going to be all that I will ever know, and I would never know until I try my best to know. In life, I always believe that one should have the courage to draw the various cards on the deck, as random as they are and be willing to accept things that come by as they always do.

At this stage of writing, I am so thankful that I have found some good friends in my life, who have been there for me in various capricious circumstances. Who have heard my rantings, understood my pain, comforted me, made me feel less lonely and gave me enough sanity and emotional courage for me to find my real self when I was either truly lost or searching. I am truly glad that my good friends know me sufficiently well and accept me for what I am, in spite of of much nonsensical stuff that I spout from time to time in irreverence and joking mockery, they know the underlying me.

I often ask myself if I really know what I am doing, if I have a plan for things in life, and the answer all along has always been a big NO, which caused me plenty of anxiety in the past. Coz I did not know enough, but now I do know more, and I think it would be quite sufficient for a while. The filling knowledge that I know whatever new things that I will encounter, no matter no painful the meandering paths would be, I trust my heart will eventually KNOW... A good heart is the driving pulse of all living moments, figuratively and literally haha.... I believe in having a good living heart and the wondrous vibrant energe that permeates through when one feels the "rightness" of the heart.


P.S>. I got the inspiration for my blog from KH earlier today, who suggested that I wrote an essay or something to "spend" my energy ....