2010

A lot of things can happen in 5years time. Five years ago ( March 2000) , my father was still alive, Citigroup was still a reputable financial institution and I was in a what I thought a mid-term relationship. How things have changed since then! Modern life is fast, intense and rapidly changing. There is no point to plan and imagine how life would be in next 20-30 years, to be unduly stresssed about it.

I am turning 35 in about 2 months time, and I have always wondered how I would feel at this age. I actually FEEL more turning 35 this time around than turning 30 five years ago. Looking back, it took me many months to recover from my father's death and the great sellout of 2008. Loss of loved one, loss of my clients money and being betrayed by people who cowered in the times of crisis shook me to the core. In May 2000, I crossed the threshold of 30 feeling at the top of the world, feeling that I should not really asked for more, but curiously I remembered asking myself what if all the good things I had then ( good career, financial security, a secure relationship) were lost. I remember making a comment to my friends that I would not be afraid to lose the good things in life, and to start over again. I was not afraid, but I didn't expect to be drifting and searching for so long in the emotional and spiritual wilderness.

Truth be told, the years between Dec05 till March09 were rather tough for me. Losing my dad, living with my mum, breaking up with my previous live-in boyfriend, ditching useless social friends, starting a new career in the private bank, dating various people, I did not think I thought very hard about my life and whether I really believed in anything. Not until Oct-Nov 08. I think I only started living again in Jan2009, and realising that I could have broken my neck while skiing black in Jackson Hole. Jackson Hole was such a memorable trip. I remembered sitting at the top of Jackson Hole and deciding that I wanted to do the right things in life, that in between the greyness of the shadows between the white and black zones in life, I would choose to be on the white side, and that I would like to be a good person. It took a lot of emotional cleansing to reach a personal declaration like that. Since then, I like all the decisions that I have made since March2009, financially and emotionally. I also thought that I found better friendships and human connections too.

Far from causing only havoc, I realised that change is actually a very powerful agent in life, and along with it, comes with personal hope and opportunities that we never thought are possible. For the mentally unprepared, life has a away of injecting unexpected randomness. So I keep telling myself that it is important to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the vicissitudes of life. Because change is the nature of life, and the only constant bit is our mind and heart, that we have to treasure them tremendously.

I feel good - mentally vibrant and emotionally strong into 2010. There is a certain peace and acceptance that comes from being able to fend for myself financial and emotionally, taking charge and responsibility and making preparations for the next 20-30years of my life, irrespective of whether I live that long at all. Life in a way is like a marathon, and I realised that there is no point in being fixated about so many things right now at this moment in life. Peace and acceptance are key, and not being trapped in the same old useless conversations with too many people that would eventually lead me to nowhere. I sincerely think that the quality of life depends on the quality of conversations that we have with ourselves internally, and with others so it's important not to say things that are not true.

I also realised that one of the best gift to oneself and to others is UNDERSTANDING. To understand that the human life is short, temporal and there is nothing really that grave and personal at the end of the day. I think one of the best philosophical talk that made me open my mind was one Ajahn Brahm's talk. He said once, that if we understand the human conditions in life, somewhat akin to the traffic lights, we would find it easy to accept and forgive others.

I do not think that I have arrived at the virtuous, giving, kind and compassionate stage yet but I am beginning to believe that it is possible to live a life of covert moral righteousness, while being tolerant, accepting and understanding of the need of others to pursue different paths in this finite physical universe. It's all too early to say, but I do know that I believe in being good, and in doing the right things, and that I should not be fixated with the short term losses and gains.

At this point in time, this is what I believe in/ would like to achieve in life:

1. My life will be better from now on. Despite physical aging and prevailing cynicism, I believe life is full of choices that could turn out for the better. I don't think I will ever live through another devastating emotional abyss as what I had gone through since 2000, and I believe I will be strong enough as I grow older and wiser.
2. I would like to live a life that is full of discovery and learning.
Try everything with open heart and open mind, and take it as it come without fear, prejudice and emotional hang up. I will not be afraid to draw the next card in life.
3. I do not wish to be fixated with financial success, material achievement and the need to prove myself socially. This would be tough because I am a rather ambitious person, but I know pursuing all these for the sake of pursuing them will not bring me real happiness.
4. To have a close group of good friends who know, understand and appreciate me for what I am.
5. To borrow from Steve Jobs, trust that the random dots in life will connect eventually, and I will never compromise my core personal beliefs/values and settle for a life of mediocrity for the fear of sticking out or being different from others.
6. To have FUN while I am still at it. I wanna feel the joy of snow, the fluffy powder as I ski down the terrains of various snow capped mountains. I wanna also feel the joys of close human friendships, and to know that in this vast universe, there exists human relationships that warm the heart, uplift the mind and inspire the soul.


Well, wish me luck.... :-)


E