Being me in Treble Cone/ Lake Wanaka

For once I appreciate the Word capabilities of my Omnia phone. Listening to Linkin Park at the base of Treble Cone is a very happy experience. I am reminded of how lucky I have been in my life so far, to have been born in a tropical country and yet having this opportunity to come to a place like this. Not only I need luck (lucky to be alive), I would need time, money, knowledge, physical fitness and determination to be here, at this point in time.

Treble Cone and Wanaka are so beautiful! Almost as majestic as Banff but the Lake Wanaka is much prettier than Lake Banff. I love Lake Wanaka for its quiet and tranquil beauty. With birds flying around, it’s the kind of natural beauty that is very nourishing to the soul. The escapist in me wonders if I could sit by the lake and happily gaze at its natural beauty forever.

Every time I am at a new ski field, I would inevitably think of all the dreams I have had in my life and I would be rekindled by the desire to go all the nice ski places in the world, including Alaska . I can’t explain this feeling of wanting and needing to be at the mountains in winter time. It calms me, and I do not mind being alone at all in the presence of these snow capped majestic mountains. I don’t need many other things to make me feel more gratified in life. Having and fulfilling a dream like this makes the staid routine corporate life worth living, and I don’t mind going through the rigor of gym exercises as boring as they can be at time. I keep telling myself that it is important that I am be snow-fit.

I think it is possible for me to cover the great ski places within next 8-10 years. Vail, Verbier, Breckenridge, Zermatt, Big Sky, Chamonix , Kitzbuhel, Sella Ronda. I could even go skiing in India (Gulmarg?) and Argentina / Chile . Or even Kazakhstan . I once made the comment that I should have been born in the cold mountains. I am pretty sure the mountains are where I would like to be when I am older, places where I can ski free!! :). Part of me want to venture beyond the mountain boundaries but for the moment, I am a little scared to ski off piste, knowing that it is a dangerous place when I don’t know what lies underneath the snow.

What do I achieve out of this snow chasing venture I wonder? Nothing concrete, I suppose it's just the knowledge and satisfaction that I love playing in the snow in the mountains. I love the view from the mountain tops, and I always feel that it is so fun to be skiing down from the top of the world!

I realized a few things. Life is not logical. It is hard-coded in us to search for the truth. But what is the truth? I am inclined to believe that because there is no fixed purpose or meaning, there is no real truth in this world. I hate the fact that I continuously struggle to choose between significance and insignificance. Slowly I am beginning to accept that life is like yin and yang. Some times I am me and some times I am not me (sounds so scary!). Some times I think its important I have to be myself, but sometimes I feel like I don’t care, nothing is really all that important. Is this random? Not really, but it’s definitely not logical.

Which brings back to the real discovery this time around? I feel very philosophical every time I go skiing. And this is my latest hypothesis. In living one’s life, I should follow the path of least resistance, and do not fight the forces of nature. Electricity follows the path of least resistance although the analogy of water is definitely more vivid. Just like how water flows from rivulets, to streams, rivers and eventually to the sea, life is possibly just a flowing process from childhood, adulthood and eventually even as much as we hate to admit it, every moment we drift closer to the final pool of death. Just like water flows through sand, mud, gravel, stone and other murky stuff, we flow through joy, happiness, anger, fear, pain, irritation and if lucky, fall through a big thrilling waterfall along the way ha. Sometimes its short journey, some times it's meandering super long, sometimes if unlucky we might even get stuck in a granite hole hahaha…. But eventually, we would flow to the sea if we don’t get evaporated as water vapour before that. This is a natural cycle of water, which is a huge component of life ( we are 70% water right?)

The difficult part about following the flow, for me, is the feeling we are losing ourselves and surrender ourselves to the unknown. Islam believes in surrendering to God, but I am not entirely convinced of this. I am a chicken as I am afraid to bungee jump (but surely this follows the natural law of gravity?) Even if I could convince the ego to loosen up a bit, the tough part lies in how do I know that what lies before me is the real path of least resistance? Is it really it or just me tossing a coin, being lazy or just giving in for the lack of a better alternative? As much as I could be zen and pacifist, it is very difficult to make the decision to keep flowing, floating and not to care, fight nor protest too much about the many unsatisfactoriness in life. If I don't fight for the significance of life, what is the point of life? It is akin to telling the sperm not to bother to swim too hard towards the egg ???

On the other hand, if I keep on surrendering to the forces of life, is there then any purpose and meaning in being me? I might as well be an amoeba. At this point in my life, I think there is somewhat some purpose in and to life, although I am rather ambivalent on the meaning of life as yet. It is hard not to try and fight, not to think and to decide, but what is equally frustrating is to know that it is probably not going to matter all that much in the big scheme of things in life. In the end. That is why I love the lyrics from Linkin Park's 'In the End' song - "I try so hard, and come this far, but in the end, it doesn't really matter". This is a conundrum in life.

To me, life is not a murky shade of grey, sometimes we are plain black, and sometimes we are pristine white. I am inclined to believe that yin and yang energy exists and the boundary of least resistance separates this yin and yang. If it is easier to be yin, I should just follow and at times when it is time to be yang, so let it be. What I know is that it is not good to erect artificial walls between the white and black areas, and cling to our ego and sanity at this tenuous line of boundary which changes constantly anyways.

It does however take a great deal of moral courage and personal strength to criss cross between the black and white zones in life, and still be able to accept my self and my non-self equally well. To me this is the toughest decision because it is very difficult to explain and justify this drift of the path of least resistance. At this point, I just accept that I do not have to explain it logically. I could not care less if some people think that I am a schizo. But eventually, I think this is something that I have to come to terms with in order to find peace in being myself.

Although I do not have the answer now, it seems like that great "being" question of existence almost sounds like a riddle - I don't have to be ME all the time in order to be myself, and I could still be significant (at least to myself) . For the moment at least this is what I BELIEVE haha. In the meantime, thank God there is Linkin Park, Lake Wanaka and for the fact that I still need to work to pay for all those future ski trips. So, I still have plenty of time to think and mull over this within this lifetime (if I choose to).