I wonder what makes people friends in the first place? Seems to me at times, the word "friend" is equivalent to the word "nice", an emotionally vacuous relationship that does not mean much. Someone who is basically not an enemy - could be an acquaintance, work or special interests mate people hang out with? Perhaps I am asking too much from social relationships but I think it is important to know that it is a worthwhile affair while one is engaged in it. As much as I think I should not get too upset when friends disappoint, I must admit that it upsets me whenever I realise that a friendship is going nowhere or that it has been heading nowhere all along. It is emotionally painful to "downgrade" a good friend or to make a conscious decision not to pursue a friendship anymore.
I believe that friendships are either evolving or dying at any point in life, as much as we would like to believe that they remain comfortably so for an extended period of time. In general, I try not to be too hung up and needy in friendships, but increasingly I find that perhaps I should have more stringent criteria in order to prevent a stunning slap in the face kind of disappointment. I generally like to hang out with people who are different from me, who are interesting in that they have things going on in their life that they are willing to share. As long as they are not afraid to be themselves, open, passionate about something that they believe in, considerate, have good intentions and social manners, I would consider them friends. I do not care that they have different religions, social aspirations and values from me as long as we could communicate at personal level. I like and appreciate people who are confident of themselves and the life they are living. I like them being genuine :-)
The problem is that some people that I know are genuinely SUCKY... and should not be accorded a friendship status at all! But because of convenience, utility value, social pretense and general avoidance of the unpleasantness in life, there is no better choice than to just hang out with them for the moment. I just have to be mindful that these people are not really my friends, and should not be lulled into a comfortable sense of permanence. Honestly, at this point, I would rather not to engage such people at all, but sigh, life at times do not confer such social luxuries.
To me, friends are people who know me, understand me, accept me for what I am and have my best interests at heart. I used to feel guilty at times that I don't find my friends interesting enough to hang out with all the time, and instead I hang out with people that are not really my friends just because they are more interesting. But now, I know the difference. I like people who are flexible and open minded, who have not made up their mind about everything under the sun. But liking and appreciating them do not automatically mean that they must be my good friends, or that I must accepting or reflective of their personal values. One could be married or attached to a person for a long time but it really does not mean that this person is your good friend who has your best interests at heart. This is a rather ugly and unpalatable truth at the emotional level, but it is clearly true, seeing how often it happens to oneself and other people.
Nonetheless, I am very comforted that all my good friends are down to earth, sensible and intelligent people. And best of all, they are relatively honest, not pretentious and will consider my interests and my general well being. I am very thankful that I have good friends from both gender, and that my friendships with the men are purely platonic. My uncle told me, after my dad passed away, about how hard it is in life to find friends who are honest, trustworthy and reliable, and that I should cling on to such friendships for life. This truth did not hit me until recently, now that it did, I just want to write it out aloud that I hope these wonderful individuals would be my good friends always.
