Why Descartes was incomplete

"I think, therefore I am" - That famous saying is not complete.

It should be "I think, I feel and I love, therefore I am".

I am increasingly a believer in love, that without this beautiful ideal, we would not reach the heights of our human potential. I am not saying that one cannot live without love, the reality is that one can and it is a choice to be respected. However, love is a splendour through which beauty could be created and expressed. After 'travelling' for a while, relieved of the fast paced routine of city life, I now understand the beauty of flowers, trees and plants that belong to no one. I feel the gentleness in spirit that they inspire. I could now understand why there are people who fight for animal rights, and for the environment. They see something beautiful and they are willing to fight to protect what they believe in. I finally understood what the Little Prince felt for his flower. It surprised me that I feel very strongly for some unnamed flowers that bloom so beautifully for a few days a year. I also notice those that just exist by the roadside, in most overlooked places, unadored and unprized by the society who is not taught to see their unobtrusive beauty.

It is beyond sad to see how the environment is being compromised in the name of progress. That things and relationships that are of no immediate value and pricing are chucked away. It is tragic that the wilderness is the only sanctuary where animals could live (almost) freely. The way man live is so destructive that the only way an animal can survive is to either become our food, pet or entertainment. We are only interested to maintaining our self interest, more of me, more for me and my children. A large part of me really hate this, the selfishness that drive humans to excel at any cost. It is like I am so determined to walk to a ultimate destination that I am willing to pay the price. The end goal is so precious that I do not mind losing my toes in walking there, some fingers. I wonder if there is a point in reaching this destination and not being whole, ie losing a part of yourself along the way? There are many ways to live and to survive, it is really a gift to be living but I am also aware that some other live and people have to be compromised for the modern life I know to flourish.

Which brings my back to love. How do I love?

Many people want love to stay forever but this is really not possible because love is not a security. Love is a living thing, it grows and it dies. Love is not a bond that pays out regular income where one gets a large payout at the end.
Love is more like an equity. You stand to lose if the enterprise goes bankrupt, or you stand to reap the benefits if the enterprise grows, expands, reaches maturity and pays regular dividend. Sometimes there are good times, and the stock price trades at a higher PE. Sometimes, times are just bad, the cash flows are unbalanced, and there are new business threats. Sometimes the whole business just gets outmoded because times have changed. This is ok because there is no rule that says an equity have to be a perpetuity.
Even if I am in love with a stock, I do not need to hold it forever.
Many people buy stock or bond looking for profit or security without understanding what either is. Many people sell stock and bond without truly understanding the risks involved.
A bond cannot be an equity and an equity cannot be a bond. It has been designed them this way.
A hybrid, is just something in between and is not relevant to this conversation.

I am aware that this is not a very good way to portray love, to compare it with the crassness of money, but in a society that values love, scarcity of time, investment, permanence, security, ego, there is an uncanny corollary to the way we view human effort and endeavour that may not necessarily pay off down the road. I must say that I cannot understand why there are so many experts on finance and love out there. I am not saying that both subjects are easy, but honestly, they are not very complicated.

The truth is, I have made many mistakes in love and in investments. And I write and express this based on my knowledge, observation and understanding, in the words that I know how to.  The good news is that both money and love could be re cultivated. Many losses could be refound if we can rediscover ourselves. IF we believe. WHEN we believe.

I used to wonder a lot about Leanne Rimes' How Do I Live? Actually it is possible to live. But the question is How Do I Love ? How do we continue loving after our love is dead, how do we say goodbye to one's love ? How to I regenerate my love tank or do I draw manna from the deepest point of my soul well ? On some dark days, I struggle to believe and I question the wisdom in telling myself and my friends that I believe in something larger out there, that may not necessarily pay off in the ongoing sums in life. That all may be lost in vain and oblivion.

Thinking does not bring us any where the point of self actualisation. Thinking does not stop the pain. Thinking alone does not regenerate love. I found love by systemic elimination of other things that do no work in my life. I sense its healing and transformative power. And I am willing to put aside my selfish interests because I see other beauties that are larger than my life. I think I am a better person because I do not just think. I feel too, and the feelings lead me back to love, this beautiful language that unities, creates and nourishes people and soul. And I know that I have to make decisions based on what I believe, based on what I love. And this is the basis for the 'AM' in me.

I am free ! But I have a distraction problem....

It has been a really long time since I sat still, focus, and think about penning thoughts down. The last 2 weeks have been a very sluggish one for me, since I returned from my 2.5 monthlong trip with CK. Now that I am not on a payroll, with no definite routine, and no particular short term goal, I find it tough to regulate my energy levels, sleeping patterns and moods (that I know is energy dependant)...
I find that my thought processes are very scattered these days. I find it incredibly difficult to focus on a track of thought and action, I have not realised how easily distracted I am. There seems to be so many things to explore, and I am so short of energy (not time)...
I also think that I am sort of different these days..... in the way I think, or perhaps I am just lost and adrift in the vastness of possibilities out there. Which I know is a privilege, which is also mildly depressing at the same time. I aware that I live life rather inefficiently....

Revolutionary Road ( 1st attempt at movie review)

Repost from FB notes: 

After The Titanic, it is most refreshing to watch Kate and Leonardo in a less than fairy tale relationship. This couple has one of the best on-screen chemistry, and did well to bring much emotional depth to the saga of a suburban married life.

To me, the title Revolutionary Road is an apt name for the movie, although in spirit, the story was more revolutionary in the emotional journey rather than in the life paths undertaken by this stormy but passionate couple. Leonardo's and April's life was enviable to many in the 1950s. He, barely in his thirties, was an upcoming hotshot in a large company and continuing the legacy of his old man's job while she  was not just an ordinary housewife in a  nice suburban house. She has artistic passion, tried acting, could dance rather well and carried herself with an elegant dignity. Married with two young kids, it was the quintessential American dream came true. It was easy to believe this couple had it all. Beneath the nice façade however, simmered much unfulfilled youthful passions and unrealised dreams. April (Kate) wanted to seek life elsewhere while Leonardo felt trapped in a white-coloured job that he hated. They both felt they were special and could have asked for a lot more in life, but surrounded by a boring staid and emotionally sterile neighbourhood, they struggled and fought for the conviction to leave the sinking ship (Titanic pun intended).

It is not a new storyline but the acting was superb. Interwoven into the domestic boring realm of couplehood, were occasional sparks of emotional brilliance that touched one heart. What I enjoyed most was the presence of a mentally ill friend who ironically and wonderfully injected sanity to the whole existence. As expected, Kate and Leonardo carried the show with their larger than life personas. Sadly, the whole road turned out to be more tumultous than revolutionary, an unfortunate one that is paved with tainted trust and decaying love. It revealed how the bonds in marriage could both be binding yet choking. Trust Sam Mendes (American Beauty) to bring out the pent up emotions of a bottled life, and showcased the destruction of love almost too hauntingly.

I just found out that Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet are real-life married couple (ooh, must have been amazing for Leonardo to be directed by the husband in those intense love-making scene!). We have seen more glamorous marriages falling apart like War of the Roses, but Revolutionary Road seems more real and the conversations were more heartfeltly penetrating. It raised more questions than answers and leaves one wondering if marriage is all that suitable for everyone with a simmering dream.

Departures ( the best human drama that I have seen)

( a repost ) - the movie that made me cried buckets

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Death is not an easy topic matter to deal with in almost all realms, so I was deeply moved by this Japanese movie that managed to showcase this taboo topic with as much humour as dignity, much tenderness as well as poignancy.

Daigo Kobayashi was a sensitive, soulful cellist who had dreams of performing around the world but as it turned out, he was jobless and had to return to his late mother's home in the tranquil Japanese countryside. For a man who proposed to his wife that he would take her on a world tour, the journey home was difficult enough without one fated job interview that landed him an unexpectedly gruesome job.

Hence we are not surprised that knew that beneath the stoically pleasant Japanese veneer, Daigo was struggling with issues aplenty. The musician turned mortician was not only physically repulsed by death, he also had harboured enormous guilt - of not being there when his mother passed away and not being able to provide for his sweet faithful wife with a socially acceptable job. He also harboured deep-seated anger against his father who deserted his mum and him when young. But, money was tight and faced with little choice, Departures showed us how Daigo made an inward journey towards self discovery, redemption and eventual personal healing with death in the constant background.

Over time, it turned out that he was perfect for the mortician role. Learning after his well-meaning mentor, Daigo handled emotionally difficult situations with professional composure and humane equanimity. Not only he bade farewell to the departed with dignity and respect, every gesture and touching stroke was performed artfully, humbly and almost reverently, as if he was playing his cello. Whether the deceased was a stranger or an old family friend, there was peace in the departures. Even as his wife threatened to leave him after discovering his real profession, he remained unwavered in his new calling (although I could not identify with this .....)

There were many beautiful moments in this movie. The sounds of the cello amidst the natural beauty of Japanese countryside, the beauty of human friendships forged amidst presence of death and finally, the beautiful existence of a tightly clenched pebble. The emotional climax of this movie had to be the encounter with his own father in the presence of his returned pregnant wife. How does one say goodbye to a forsaken love? It seems that this was Daigo's real and final calling. As he bade his final farewell to his father, as anger and regret ebbed away, it occurred to me that death also brought about completeness and new lease of life for him, in his newfound job and in his family life. I found the juxtaposition between death (anger, regret) and life (forgiveness, the unborn baby) very achingly beautiful. I also found the love displayed by his devoted wife truly inspiring even as it was originally conditional.

Two truths hit me:

#1 Whatever the reasons may be, one should not walk away from love, especially one's children.
#2 As hard as it is to believe, death brings about a beautiful completeness to life.

This movie should have won Best Picture instead of Slumdog....... its truely amazing that there is a movie out that that brings out the heart in us in the dying moments.

Life is about progress and being resillient ( August 2011 vs Oct 2008 )

We live in an accelerated world, where global events unfold at a tremendously fast rate.
In a way, life is very exciting, raw, fresh. As long as one is not burdened by past memories, one is free to pursue what is new out there. Freedom is a central part of the human life.

To me, it is very important to feel that I am free to explore, to learn, to appreciate new dimensions in life, and that I try my best for the things that I believe in. I know the journey of discovery will not be smooth nor easy, and along the way, I may complain, sulk, get angry or get temporarily depressed. However, I know the inner drive exists and it would be wrong of me not to pursue the things I believe in.

Reflecting on the many months between 2008 and 2011, I am happy with the progress in my life from those dark days:

(1) I do not have margin calls. I do not sell toxic financial products. The career swap from Citi to DBS was a great thing for me. I know some people felt that it was a career downgrade, these people would not understand what I have swapped for :-).

(2) I am a gentler, tolerant and more patient person. There is really nothing to rush for really. Would the one day that I felt wasted by inefficiency really change my life ? The answer is a clear no.

(3) I am no longer angry with my mum, and I forgive her for some of
the nasty things she has said to me twenty years ago because I
understood why she said them. I think it is important that every daughter learn from the mistakes of her mother so as to not to repeat the same mistakes of the previous generations.

(4) I have richer meaningful relationships with my good friends. They were there for me when I
was down. I also have slightly closer ties with my relatives. We are bound by historical ties and shared family past.

(5) I know I make mistakes :( . Right now, I don't wish to have so many opinions, and that I have to justify my viewpoints and that I have to be right. In life, I just need to know what my
stand is on important matters, and that is all that is necessary.

(6) I don't believe in cutting loss on human relationships. There is so much beauty and joy in close human ties. The heart is the most important source of inspiration in life.

(7) I do not think well of selfishness, greed and irresponsibility. We can't cure the problems of the world - we either improve ourselves or we improve the system so that everyone has a reasonable chance of fulfilling their Maslow hierarchy of needs.

(8) I am not afraid. What is the worst that could happen to my life from now on?

Life Is NOW :-)

I had this intention to resume writing in recent weeks, so as to improve my thoughts and to capture the turbulent thoughts and emotions that I went through in recent months. Thoughts and emotions are very special and important elements of life really. They are all we have, and yet they do not really belong to us. Yet, they shape us and determine how functional and happy we are throughout life itself. Our thoughts and emotions are what drive us in our daily lives, so in a way, we are nothing but a physical shell of changing thoughts and emotions, and unless there is an action (with or without decision making process) that translate all these thoughts and emotions ( often conflicting ) into real physical events, there is really nothing all that real and permanent about our thoughts and emotions.

I suppose the most important question therefore is to ask what I am thinking and feeling at this point in life, about myself, about the world and about the people that I have worldly connections to. The answer is on average ( I do keep track of how I feel on most days of the month as my hormones change ) is that I do feel good about life, and I am generally positive about the future. I actually think that, with a bit of planning, life could fun, happy and fulfilling. I think about the resources that I have - TIME, MONEY and ENERGY, and at this point in time, I believe that the only worthwhile things to do is to actively convert all these available resources into meaningful experiences in life especially when there is an opportunity to do so.

One very important discovery that came to me recently is that Life is NOW, and that I am living these moments and that there is really nothing else that I would like to rush for. And I am happy with the present NOW, and although I know things would change, I have the confidence that things will turn out to be OK, if not, better.... not because I am naive or idealistic, but because I believe that the human survival spirit will always find a way, and as impatient as I am, I am not the type that would give up on life.

It is nice to be relaxed, at peace and not to be in a rushed. Enjoying the NOW, knowing that thoughts and emotions would change and not all that worried about that, and not caring all that much on things that do not really contribute to the long term happiness in life.

Easter - Ecclesiastes time

How very interesting indeed that although I can never profess to be a Christian, I usually find time around Easter every year to celebrate the historical and spiritual significance of this event. It is almost as if my spiritual clock resets annually by itself.

I am very willing to accept that Jesus Christ had lived at a certain indeterminable time about 2000 years ago, and even if his death and rebirth could not be proven scientifically, it had given birth to one of the most amazing religious movement in human history so far. At this stage of my life, I am not going to pick on the various warts of the Christian faith. They won the Crusades and set the stage for the western civilisation for the next millennium. I think Christian missionaries did a lot of good work over the centuries. There are definitely ongoing politics, hypocrisy, exploitation but I believe the Muslims or other religions would not be spared either . This is a problem of corruption of those in power, not with Christianity itself.

To me, the most important thing is that I could NOT profess in my heart that Christ lived, died and was reborn on the third day. It also does not help that generally, I find most Christian literature one-dimensional, illogical, inconsistent, slightly bigoted, non-thought provoking, biased, judgmental and arrogant. Listening to sales pitch of any religion is quite tiring, but there are three things about Christianity that made me not given up all entirely... 1) Christian music 2) Christian art / architecture... 3 ) the Ecclesiastes...

I love the Ecclesiastes, and reading it every now and then calms me down. It is bleak yet pragmatic, it tells you that life is meaningless yet worth living. Except for 2 other Buddhist books that I have chanced upon in my lifetime, I have never found another book that opened my mind.

I wrote this blog today because while reading a research piece on the interpretation of Ecclesiastes, I found another bit in the life "jigsaw" puzzle that makes me not want to give up on life. On some days, I really feel that life is maddening, random, herdlike and fatalistic... and that most people are blur, incompetent, stupid and selfish. On some days, I suffer panic at some spiritual level as I do not know what I am doing in my life, why I am working in this lifetime, what happens in the next time? My biggest fear at the moment is that there is reincarnation... and I have to do this again and again... :(

So I guess Ecclesiastes is my spiritual band aid.... ( or morphine ? ) .

God's plan is unfathomable. Nevertheless, God has an appropriate time for
every activity (v. 11). The meaning is not, "beautiful in its own way," as
the song goes. God has also placed within the heart of every person a
sense of something eternal and a desire to know the eternal significance of
what we do (v. 11, "set eternity in their heart").
"This quest is a deep-seated desire, a compulsive drive,
because man is made in the image of God to appreciate the
beauty of creation (on an aesthetic level); to know the
character, composition, and meaning of the world (on an
academic and philosophical level); and to discern its
purpose and destiny (on a theological level). . . . Man has
an inborn inquisitiveness and capacity to learn how
everything in his experience can be integrated to make a
whole."

This is why I suffer from existential angst from time to time.... toggling between living passionately in short-term pursuits juxtaposed against long-term ambivalence about the purpose of life could cause of a lot of stress on any day that my mental and emotional energy get worn down. This is life's wear and tear, I guess...

So anyways, this explains it. On one hand, whether we like it or not, we are pre-programmed to seek meaning, purpose and significance in an ephemeral and impermanent lifetime. But, on the other hand, in order to live "awarely", we have to see the conundrum of the futility of human endeavour, and that whatever we seek may not be gained, whatever we gain will always be lost at some point.

This is the human tragedy, that as our hearts searches for eternal significance in this limited physical world, there will always be mental suffering and emotional sorrow.

It is very awakening and humbling to know that the fruit of all human toil and labour is always impermanent.

What does the heart wants, desires and eventually willing to accept in this limited lifetime?

"The ultimate battle is always fought in the fragile terrain of the human heart".

2010

A lot of things can happen in 5years time. Five years ago ( March 2000) , my father was still alive, Citigroup was still a reputable financial institution and I was in a what I thought a mid-term relationship. How things have changed since then! Modern life is fast, intense and rapidly changing. There is no point to plan and imagine how life would be in next 20-30 years, to be unduly stresssed about it.

I am turning 35 in about 2 months time, and I have always wondered how I would feel at this age. I actually FEEL more turning 35 this time around than turning 30 five years ago. Looking back, it took me many months to recover from my father's death and the great sellout of 2008. Loss of loved one, loss of my clients money and being betrayed by people who cowered in the times of crisis shook me to the core. In May 2000, I crossed the threshold of 30 feeling at the top of the world, feeling that I should not really asked for more, but curiously I remembered asking myself what if all the good things I had then ( good career, financial security, a secure relationship) were lost. I remember making a comment to my friends that I would not be afraid to lose the good things in life, and to start over again. I was not afraid, but I didn't expect to be drifting and searching for so long in the emotional and spiritual wilderness.

Truth be told, the years between Dec05 till March09 were rather tough for me. Losing my dad, living with my mum, breaking up with my previous live-in boyfriend, ditching useless social friends, starting a new career in the private bank, dating various people, I did not think I thought very hard about my life and whether I really believed in anything. Not until Oct-Nov 08. I think I only started living again in Jan2009, and realising that I could have broken my neck while skiing black in Jackson Hole. Jackson Hole was such a memorable trip. I remembered sitting at the top of Jackson Hole and deciding that I wanted to do the right things in life, that in between the greyness of the shadows between the white and black zones in life, I would choose to be on the white side, and that I would like to be a good person. It took a lot of emotional cleansing to reach a personal declaration like that. Since then, I like all the decisions that I have made since March2009, financially and emotionally. I also thought that I found better friendships and human connections too.

Far from causing only havoc, I realised that change is actually a very powerful agent in life, and along with it, comes with personal hope and opportunities that we never thought are possible. For the mentally unprepared, life has a away of injecting unexpected randomness. So I keep telling myself that it is important to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the vicissitudes of life. Because change is the nature of life, and the only constant bit is our mind and heart, that we have to treasure them tremendously.

I feel good - mentally vibrant and emotionally strong into 2010. There is a certain peace and acceptance that comes from being able to fend for myself financial and emotionally, taking charge and responsibility and making preparations for the next 20-30years of my life, irrespective of whether I live that long at all. Life in a way is like a marathon, and I realised that there is no point in being fixated about so many things right now at this moment in life. Peace and acceptance are key, and not being trapped in the same old useless conversations with too many people that would eventually lead me to nowhere. I sincerely think that the quality of life depends on the quality of conversations that we have with ourselves internally, and with others so it's important not to say things that are not true.

I also realised that one of the best gift to oneself and to others is UNDERSTANDING. To understand that the human life is short, temporal and there is nothing really that grave and personal at the end of the day. I think one of the best philosophical talk that made me open my mind was one Ajahn Brahm's talk. He said once, that if we understand the human conditions in life, somewhat akin to the traffic lights, we would find it easy to accept and forgive others.

I do not think that I have arrived at the virtuous, giving, kind and compassionate stage yet but I am beginning to believe that it is possible to live a life of covert moral righteousness, while being tolerant, accepting and understanding of the need of others to pursue different paths in this finite physical universe. It's all too early to say, but I do know that I believe in being good, and in doing the right things, and that I should not be fixated with the short term losses and gains.

At this point in time, this is what I believe in/ would like to achieve in life:

1. My life will be better from now on. Despite physical aging and prevailing cynicism, I believe life is full of choices that could turn out for the better. I don't think I will ever live through another devastating emotional abyss as what I had gone through since 2000, and I believe I will be strong enough as I grow older and wiser.
2. I would like to live a life that is full of discovery and learning.
Try everything with open heart and open mind, and take it as it come without fear, prejudice and emotional hang up. I will not be afraid to draw the next card in life.
3. I do not wish to be fixated with financial success, material achievement and the need to prove myself socially. This would be tough because I am a rather ambitious person, but I know pursuing all these for the sake of pursuing them will not bring me real happiness.
4. To have a close group of good friends who know, understand and appreciate me for what I am.
5. To borrow from Steve Jobs, trust that the random dots in life will connect eventually, and I will never compromise my core personal beliefs/values and settle for a life of mediocrity for the fear of sticking out or being different from others.
6. To have FUN while I am still at it. I wanna feel the joy of snow, the fluffy powder as I ski down the terrains of various snow capped mountains. I wanna also feel the joys of close human friendships, and to know that in this vast universe, there exists human relationships that warm the heart, uplift the mind and inspire the soul.


Well, wish me luck.... :-)


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